Of Gaps, Gods And Polygons

Charles Ismay-Darling, who wasted a good portion of the early part of his life chasing around the world and bringing home dead finches, before finally turning to serious mathematological studies. Suffered from cirripedaphobia—the irrational hatred of barnacles.

One hundred and fifty years ago, pioneer mathenaturalist, Charlie Ismay Darling, advanced the theory that was to change the world of mathematology forever: the theory of evolvomatutics by mutable seduction. Briefly stated, he postulamatated—and has since been proved correct by so many independent methods that only a nutter or a creationist would argue against it—that numbers and shapes evolvomalate over time to become different numbers and shapes.

There are so many pieces of supporting evidamence for this that it would be daft to try to list them all, but here are some of the better known examples. The number 2, it has been discovered, if looked at in a warped mirror with your eyes nearly shut, looks a bit like the number 5—a clear example of evolvomatution. If you think of a number, add the year of your birth and divide by the square root of Russell's Teapot, you end up with an unexpectedly irrational answer. Not only did this add further evidamence in support of Darling's theory, but it also opened up a whole new branch of study; that of irrational, nay stark raving bonkers, number theory. Not since an unknown and possibly stoned 9^th Century Indian mathematologist invented the number 58, has the field been so invigorated. Perhaps the greatest triumph in the field of evolvomatutics though, came in the 1920s (so numerologists, who know about arcane stuff like dates, not to mention prunes, raisins and other fruit of questionable taste, tell us), David Hilbert, supreme infinitologist, discovered that the number 8, when turned on its side, produces an infinity of bad mathematological puns. It was a sad loss to the mathematological world when he retired to open what has become the word's most successful chain of hotels. Or possibly just a hotel with infinite entrances; no one's quite sure.

Creationists and other dunces pour scorn on this, pointing out such inconsistencies as the number 7 being completely unchangeable, meaning the same thing even if crossed-out—when it ought, they say, to become zero if evolvomaticicists are right—and that the written №4 is completely different from its printed version. Only a creator, they say, would produce such illogical and downright dumb inconsistencies, while wholly natural forces alone would have led to every number being as mutable as its neighbour. (And it was much better, they tell us, before all this science stuff came along, back in the (7 × 2)^th Century. And they should know—they still live there.)

Only in the sub-field of geomolometry (lit. measurement of the Earth—current research puts it at 'pretty damn impressively big' ) has little progress been made until recently. It's long been hypothesised that all gemolometricical shapes evolvomatuted from the simplest known form—the triangle—with the circle as the ultimate predicted outcome. Creationists scoff at the circle being a product of evolvomatution, pointing out that an infinite number of sides would take an infinite time to evolvomatute, and infinity is, they claim, a ridiculous concept. Geomolometricians just point at the infinite queue outside the door of (or the local entrance to, as the case may be) the nearest (erm… whatever) Hilbert's Hotel. Then they laugh derisively. Until recently, however, the link between triangles and circles has remained hypothetical.

The discovery of the structure of GMA (GemoetrologicalMygodthats­abigmoleculelof­stupifyinglylongnamedAcid), and the subsequent mapping of the trinangular geomone helped somewhat—by providing a concrete mechanism by which a shape which mutatifies to gain an extra side can pass it on to its offspring—but geomefossilical evidence was still lacking. Creationists, ever known for their ability to point out what they see as weak spots in other people's theories, whilst ignoring the bloomin' great chasms in their own, have constantly eluded to the failure of geomolometricians to find a single transitionalical form which would show a physical change from a fewer-sided figure to a morer-sided figure. Until a few months ago, the field of geomological evolvomatutics looked much like the figure below:

'Look,' the Biblically-minded morons would say, 'all you have is a bloody huge gap in the geomefossimilogical record. You have nothing! We don't need to force a god into that gap. We could park an entire fleet of Hilbert's Infinitological Tour Buses™ * full of gods in it, no problem.'

*No passenger left standing—there's always one more empty seat.

Until now.

Enter one Marcus du Sautoy, at one time a top infinitologist, but recently a resident at the Simonyi Home for Bewildered Scientiboffinologists, Quantum Yamaha-Mechanics and Allied Trades, where he sleeps, the trivia buffs amongst you may be interested to know, in the Irreverend Richard Dawkins' old cell. He was committed in 2008, following a breakdown due to overwork, when friends noticed him praying to a picture of David Icke. On partially recovering his senses, he decided that the cutting-edge of infinitology was 'too freaking mind-blowing,' and has since paddled in the more cerebrally serene waters of geomological evolvomatutics—a sad loss for the former field, but a huge gain for the latter. The only demur has come from comedian and actor Alan Davies, who complained, 'I was just getting the hang of those fractal thingies.' According to du Sautoy:

"The chemically-enforced bed-rest has really done me good, along with the nutritious diet of lukewarm Horlicks and Vegemite. Well, that and not being bothered every five minutes by that bloody Davies bloke with his stupid piece of string he wants measured. Anyway, with lots of rest and a change of pace, the old brain-box really started to fire up again; so when I started to look at the Polygon Problem, I saw right away that I could make some headway."

Just six months ago, du Sautoy announced the discovery of a strange new figure with eight sides. He calls it, logically enough, an eightsidedogon. While it's still very far from the infinitological number of sides needed to form a perfect circle (but then, it's as close to infinitological as we could possibly get, too—just try not to think about it), du Sautoy points out that studies of its GMA clearly show vestiges of the original trinangular gene sequences, which together with the obvious similarityness of it having sides and angles, provide the first piece of concrete evidamence that Darling's theory works in geomological figures just as it does in the other fields of mathematology. "There is grandeur in this view of shape," he said in a recent interview. "With its several powers, having been originally breathicated into a few forms or into one; and that, whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautifulishious and most wonderful have been, and are being, evolvomatuted."

And that's not the end of it. Rumours are just surfacing about an alleged discovery in China, of three lines carved into a tree. They are, if the rumours are true, all of the same length, and each is joined to the next at an angle of 108°. Du Sautoy, after some tentative work with a protractor and a pencil, cautiously states that if the pattern is continued, a 'fivesidedogon' might be produced. Good news if true but "It's early days yet," he warns. "Did you just drink my Horlicks!? Nurse!"

When contacted, Ken Bacon-Buttie, leading creationist and founder of the Answers In A Bronze Age Book Of Goat-Herders' Mythology website, said, "Well, I reckon it's a gain for us. Every so-called transitionalical form they find creates another gap. They had one gap, now they have two. If they manage to pretend this Chinese thing fits their theory, they'll have three gaps. There'll be an extra gap every time they add another so-called link, so we'll always have more gaps to shove a god into. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a replica of Noah's Arc to finish building. We're making it out of real gophers, you know."

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Coming next week: (or, more probably, not) I talk to leading idiot James Delingpole about why 97% of the world's climatologicalical scientiboffinologists are so obviously lying about climate change. 'Cause that's what they do you know, scientiboffinologists. They join up in huge conspiracities and lie to us. It's in the contract, along with the obligatorary bendy glassware and the evil cackle.
—Daz

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