In business news today, it has been revealed that sales of handcuffs and other restraining devices have rocketed, as heterosexual couples across the UK prepare for the impending legalisation of same-sex marriage.
Taking to heart the
non-stop blathering warnings from the various Christian churches that traditional marriage, as defined by them, will be undermined by same-sex couples getting married, thousands of British married couples are cuffing themselves together in the hopes that this will prevent one or both partners from acting on a sudden desire to run away with a person of the same sex.
Mr Alan Dingfield, speaking on behalf of the Associated Restraints and Security Experts (ARSE) manufacturing group, said, "production has tripled over the last week, but, try as we might, we're falling further and further behind a massively increasing demand. We have instituted a huge new recruitment and training programme, and hope to catch up with orders before the new law comes into place."
Mrs Palm, of the marital aids manufacturers' consultancy organisation, Sex Toys, Raunchy Accoutrements and Playthings Open Network (STRAPON) declined to comment on client-confidentiality grounds. A leak from within the organisation did, however, hint of emergency stockpiling by members of the Conservative party, in anticipation of a sudden scarcity-driven price-rise.
Mr Dingfield went on, "From a turnover of a few thousand pounds per week, we've escalated to one of millions."
He declined to talk about moral implications, but did say that, "This is the fastest rise up the stock-market by a non-dotcom company in forty years. This industry could soon be on path to single-handedly rescue Britain from financial depression. Gay marriage might well be the saviour of the country."
The eyes of the country and of the stock market now watch Westminster nervously. Will the government give in to puritanical curtain-twitchers, or grasp the financial straw offered by this new boom?
You may use these HTML tags in comments
<a href="" title=""></a> <abbr title=""></abbr>
<acronym title=""></acronym> <blockquote></blockquote> <del></del>* <strike></strike>† <em></em>* <i></i>† <strong></strong>* <b></b>†
* is generally preferred over †