Two lorry-loads of worn-out metaphors, outdated clichés, over-purpled prose, awfully awkward alliterations and other literary waste, collided on the M5 near Evesham this afternoon. While the incident itself has been described by a police spokesman as "driver error," background checks have revealed what may turn out to be yet another government backdoor-sell-off scandal. The authorial junk was supposed to have been en route to a government site, where it would be disposed of safely but, instead, at least one of the drivers' planned routes appears to show that it had been diverted to the house of a Mr. D. Brown. Investigations are ongoing.
The area has been sealed off for the safety of the public, and a clean-up crew is onsite. Unfortunately, some members of the public who observed the crash have already shown signs of having been affected by the spilled wordy waste. In a horrendous case of uncontrolled mixing of metaphors, a Mr. Jorge Mario Bergoglio, AKA "Frankie da Pope," has spent five hours in a nearby wooded copse, from whence snatches of the old Tommy Steele song, When You Gotta Go (You Gotta Go) have occasionally issued. At the same time, the Roman Catholic church has entered its first major schism in centuries, as a rival pope, Pooh the first, has taken the Vatican by armed coup. Newly created Cardinal Piglet made a brief announcement to the press, regarding Pooh's accession to the throne of St. Peter:
"Eeyore—Eeyore—'e always wanted to be Pope. And now he is. That's all for now. They're changing guards at the Vatican gates in a minute, and Cardinal Robin will have more details after the ceremony."
Jars of honey have already appeared on shelves at Lourdes, labelled "by Papal appointment."
Mr. Brown was not available for comment.
Just in case: “Do popes shit in the woods?” and “Is the bear a catholic?”
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