Posts Tagged ‘church of england’

So it seems we're stuck with the Lords and Ladies Spiritual. Not unexpected, but still sad.

Separation of church and state?
You'll have theocracy and like it!
We're going nowhere, we're here to stay.
Stick that in your smoke and pipe it!

We bring a message from on high.
You're ours; we don't need your consent.
What you need is pie from the sky;
Government that's Heaven-sent.

Piety by proclamation,
Force-fed though you clamp your jaw.
Our creed shoved down the throats of a nation—
Religion forced at the point of law.

Welcome to the seventeenth century, Gentle Reader. Please remember; prayers should be read only from the Book Of Common Prayer, on pain of, well, pain.
— ✝ William Laud Cantuar

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So, Justin Welby and John Sentamu, the Morcambe and Wise of Theism—minus the talent, the humour, and the party-trick with the paper bag—have written a little letter regarding the Church of England and the legalisation of same-sex marriage. Quite why is beyond me, since the CofE is, bizarrely for an organisation which forms part of our government, mandated by law to continue discriminating against same-sex couples. But anyway, they did. And they appended a statement by the House of Bishops setting out the church's position in detail.

You can read it in full, without interruption, at the link above, but for those who aren't fluent in Ecumenical Bafflegab—a bastard hybridisation of High Office-Speak and Low Bullshit—I've reproduced it below, along with some hopefully-helpful clarifications by yours truly. Because I'm a very kind man.

And so, Gentle Reader, with but a short roll on the drums, a wee tinkle on the ivory, and a dram at the bar, without further ado, let me place you in the incapable hands of Welby-Sentamu: the only known being on the planet to possess four hands, four feet, two stomachs, and half a brain…


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Hail the glorious, wonderful news!
To try to keep bums in its emptying pews,
The Church of England's gen'ral synod
Has decided the word of its perfect god
Was wrong—or maybe just lacking in tact.
So women can now wear mitred hats.
Isn't the Cee of Ee lovely? Who cares
That it had to be forced, and dragged by the hair?
It's marvellous news, that they now admit,
You don't need a penis to spout bull-shit.


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