I have decided, Gentle Reader, to obey the fourth commandment, as regards the blog. Well, the "day off" part anyway; the "worship" part, not so much. What's more, being one o' them baby-eating atheistic types, I'm not constrained to a particular day, so I'm taking both the Jewish and the Christian versions and amalgamating them. Which means I get two days off. Ah, multiculturalism at its finest!
This doesn't mean I'll not be posting stuff over the weekend. I've just decided that, from Friday evening through to Monday morning (UK time, obviously), I'm going to restrict myself to the more light-hearted aspects of whatever I decide to inanely blather on about.
(Talking of "UK time," and almost instantly breaking bending the above new rule, (hat-tip to The Freethinker) there's a programme on the BBC World Service tonight, at 7:30 UK time (currently Zulu-plus-one) about "Quiverfull" families, that many readers might want to catch.)
Anyways, something came up which made me want to repost this little effort of mine (well, half of it's mine), from last year (with apologies to those who've read it before):
With apologies to Mr Poe.
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore,
While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping,
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
"'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door –
Only this, and nothing more."
Rat-tat-tat with increased power! Who'd be knocking at this hour?
Knocking loud enough to wake the sleeping, grave-bound dead!
The door, unlocked and opened wide, revealed two men who stood outside
And at the sight I nearly cried, my heart dragged down with awful dread.
"Can I help," said I politely, then one smiled a toothy grin and said
The words that oft to thoughts of murder've led…
"Good evening. Have you considered letting Jesus into your heart?"
"Aaaargh!" quoth I.
Yes, we've just had a god-bot at the door. I don't think it was a JW, as they—presumably because if you're annoying the fuck out of people for a hobby, then it's best to have a wing-man for when things get nasty; like Messerschmitt 109s but not as pretty—tend to travel in pairs. Fortunately for him, Dear Old Mater answered the door and all he got was a polite "No thank you." If I answer, they'll likely end up seriously regretting not bringing a camp-stool and a flask of coffee. Well, except the pair a month or so back. They tried to pull the "No atheists in foxholes" chain as the opener to their spiel and got told to fuck off; and I nearly broke one's nose with the door. Ho hum. I really do loathe that argument.
But, anyway, a whimsical thought occurred, and Google doesn't seem very helpful on the matter. Does anyone out there know if there's ever been a study of the success-rate of such "doorstep conversion" tactics? My guess is that "incredibly low" would be a good description. Probably in the tenths or hundredths of a percent ranges. If anyone has figures, though, I'd love to see 'em, purely out of curiosity.
—Daz
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An interesting question which, I am afraid, I can’t help with. I would guess that any figures would probably be compiled by one of the religions doing the knocking and as churches like to inflate their numbers, would be less than trustworthy anyway. However, I will join you in searching for info, even for the trivial sake of knowing whether JWs have a better success rate than double-glazing salesmen.
Meanwhile, you have reminded me of an old joke. A couple of JWs knock at a door and they are promptly invited in and asked to sit down while the tea is poured. On returning with a tray of tea and biscuits the house-owner says: “Ok, what is it you have to say to me.” A somewhat perplexed JW looked at him and said: “I’m not really sure, we have never got this far before.”
There was an article by Walter Kirn in the New Republic a few months ago about being an ex-Mormon. His family was converted by some missionaries who came to his family’s door one day. Confessions of an Ex-Mormon.
I wonder a similar thing every time I get spam. I think there’s a cost/benefit trade-off going on with any of these things, whether it’s the double glazing salesmen or the missionaries. Since the missionaries are volunteers, they don’t need a very high rate of return in order to consider it worth doing.
It puts me in mind of a guy I knew who was amazed at a friend’s ability to pick-up women. The friend said it was easy. If you go to a bar there’s probably a woman there looking to get laid, probably a few. The trick is to find her. It’s better to get a quick rejection, so you can move on. The guy who told me about this thought it was creepy, but I think his friend had a point. At that time I was in my twenties and spending much too much time in bars and nightclubs. A large part of whether I accepted or rejected a man’s invitation had more to do with what else was going on in my life than the man himself. It might seem like a weird comparison, but I think missionaries knocking on doors are engaged in a similar thing. Someone in the neighborhood is having an emotional crisis; someone needs a friend. If you knock on enough doors, you’ll find them. Kirn talks about how the missionaries showed up when his family was going through a rough patch.
The worst for them is probably having a long conversation that goes nowhere.