I've decided to take up the noble art of horoscoping…
Basically, if I take on summat which requires me to write everyday, I'm hoping it'll force me to re-engage with the blog. 'Cause I'm a lazy sod and need forcing. So here we go, Gentle Reader. Apart from some superficial changes, like better signs than those boring old Tauruses and Leos etc, it's exactly the same as your bog-standard normal horoscope. Except mine is guaranteed accurate, of course. Ahem.
—Daz
If today is your birthday
At the exact second of the anniversary of your birth, Donald trump, mistaking the Big Red Button marked "ARMAGEDDON! DO NOT PRESS UNLESS YOU'RE REALLY REALLY SURE. (THIS MEANS YOU, MR PRESIDENT, SIR.)" for the "Send Moronic Tweet" button, will bring about the end of the world. By the time you're x-years and ten minutes old, the Earth will be a lifeless cinder ball.
So, on the upside, you may as well hog out on the whole birthday cake. Any weight-gain will be strictly temporary.
Sign |
Name & Date |
Prognostication & Advice |
|
E'redoooomedway Apr 13–May 22 |
Sunny, with a fifty percent chance of cucumbers in the early evening.
For today, you should avoid stabbing yourself with sharp pointy objects.
|
|
Threenabit May 23–Jun 14 |
You will develop a large and unsightly zit at the corner of your left nostril.
With Jupiter fast approaching Uranus, today would be a good day to binge-watch innuendo-strewn 1970s sit-coms. Try to avoid Mrs Slocombe's pussy.
|
|
Aniscay etyay Anasyay Jun 15–Jul 10 |
At some point today, someone will tell you not to picture a pink elephant.
Do not picture a pink elephant today. Only bad things will come of it.
|
|
Unnyfay Ashray Jul 11–Aug 25 |
You will temporarily lose the ability to read.
Hiubo mij joitifaring. Cambitax breftint humbit! Really. Don't. It could ruin your life.
|
|
Clickalot Aug 26–Sept 07 |
At some point in the day, you will find yourself reading this sentence. And this one. And this one. And also this one.
Try the expensive one. Go on. You know you want to.
|
|
Le Parapluie Sept 08–Oct 20 |
With Neptune demanding to know what Venus is still doing in the damn toilet, things may take a turn for the worse for you, job-wise.
Now would be a good day to ask for a raise.
|
|
Far Queue Oct 21–Nov 23 |
There may be trouble, music and moonlight ahead.
Honesty is the best policy today. Admit that it isn't the boogie's fault, but your own.
|
|
Interrobang Nov 24–Nov 29 |
You will be arrested for stealing a pair of knickers off your neighbour's washing-line.
Watch out. There's a Humphrey about.
|
|
Eremybrettjay Nov 30–Jan 15 |
You will encounter a stranger in a train station tea-room and partake of a brief but chaste romantic interlude with them, to a backdrop of clinking tea-cups and that extraordinarily soot-free smoke and steam which you thought existed only in movies.
Avoid crocodiles in the afternoon.
|
|
Totherway Jan 16–Feb 20 |
Pea-and-ham soup will occur.
George. Don't do that.
|
|
Kenhamus Moronicus Feb 21–Mar 17 |
You and several thousand other people will gather on a hillside near Hastings, divide into two teams and proceed to batter the living snot out of each other. By the time evening comes, England will have a new king.
Try to be more upbeat. You'll find it makes you much more popular at work.
|
|
Yusalu Mar 18–Apr 12 |
Tonight, you sleep with the fishes.
Treat yourself to a new wardrobe.
|
This Prognostication™ was produced after spending literally minutes exposing my chakra to the quantumness of the universe, throwing reason out of the window, and generally making shit up. It may, for all I know, contain one or more predictions which will actually come to pass. Don't say I didn't warn you!
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