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The Arrow

Four posts, I've written, and none of 'em, on review, were anything I'd ever want to inflict on the internet. I'll get there.

In the meantime, here's a heart-warming tale of the death of a national hero…

Robin Hood was lying on his death-bed.

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It turns out that through a combination of life getting in the way and of me being really rusty at any form of writing longer than a couple of paragraphs, it's takin' me a bit (ahem) longer to get a post up than expected. Which prompted a good idea from Stephen. Resurrect the Friday Night Is Music Night series of posts, and do the first one on the theme of writing.

So okay, here's six to get the ball rolling. As ever, feel free to add your own in comments.
Daz

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Hello…?

Hello Gentle Reader.

It’s been quite a while.

Basically, I kinda dug myself a deep mental pit, dived into it and pulled the roof in over my head. I retreated, both on and off line, into my own little world. It wasn’t a terrible world. No one should be applying words like "clinical" at this point. There were movies and books, and, as ever with me, there was music. But little, if any of it, was shared with others. Which, as anyone who’s been there can tell you, is not a good or a healthy thing.

And before I continue, please allow me to thank and to apologise to all those who sent emails asking where I was and if I was okay. Having cut myself off, I simply didn’t know how to reply and so, to my shame, I didn’t. That apology goes double for Diana Lesperance, who I let down when she asked for help, which is inexcusable, even if I did have problems of my own.

Anyways…

My gradual return to the land of the living began, ironically enough, with a funeral. An old friend from my music tribe, circle, subculture, whatever the hell you call it, died, and someone else managed to find me to let me know. Reconnecting with old friends as well as making some new ones at the "do" afterwards, virtually all of whom told me to buck myself up and start getting out there again, kinda gave me the kick in the nether regions which I most certainly needed. And so, at least on the music-scene side of things, I have done. Not at the gigging-every-weekend level that I once did, but enough. Good bands, good beer and good friends—the kind who don’t care where you’ve been so long as you’re back—have once again become a regular part of my life.

And, at first only because that’s how news of musical events gets passed around these days, I ended up joining Facebork. Mostly (I use the word advisedly) I don’t do much in the way of politics and religion on there, except well, you know; it’s hard to completely give up once you get the bug. For the most part my posts are the same silly worn-out jokes that ninety percent of the rest of the online world pass around, with the addition of a fair lump of music-related content. With that proviso, please feel free to "friend" me if you do the Facebork thing. (The only contact I have on there at present from my blogging days is Padre Steve because I ran across him on there purely by chance. I don’t think he’s regretted accepting my request. Though it could be he’s just too darn nice and polite to tell me to bugger off…)

And so to this. I don’t know if it’ll work or if it’ll last, but I kind of have an itch to revitalise this blog. I’m not sure what direction, if any, it’ll take. I’m certainly not sure I’m ready for the constantly argumentative religion and politics, but maybe just putting something out there will spark summat. I dunno. I think it’s worth trying at least.

For now though, and going back to the music thing, if you liked the musical side of the blog in days of yore, you might be interested to know that I have a weekly show all to meself on a proper licenced internet radio network. (Ooh! It’s almost professional!) Mondays at 7:00 PM (UK time) you can thrill to my dulcet tones as I introduce an hour’s (okay, 55 to 57 minutes’) worth of rockabilly, rhythm ‘n’ blues, rock ‘n’ roll, psychobilly etc on Rockabilly Radio. There’s a choice of web-players on the linked page, or you can paste http://lin3.ash.fast-serv.com:6026/ into the appropriate place in any desktop media player capable of handling streamed content.

And, for now, on that unashamedly self-promotional note, I think that’s me lot. Let us, Gentle Reader, see what the future brings.
Daz

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In Which I Prove God’s Existence. Oops!

As long-time readers may remember, I enjoy occasionally dipping my toes into the shallower tidal pools of theology and biblical apology. Basically because I find the tortured logic, the pedantic adherence to the literal meaning of obvious metaphors, the use of dodgy word play, the reliance on tiny context-free snippets of scripture and so on, to be rather amusing. (Except the various forms of the faux-logical ontological argument. They're not amusing; they're freakin' hilarious.)

So imagine my surprise when I realised, following a brief joke on the phrase "God's not dead," that I had stumbled upon just such a tortuous argument myself. Now, you may have noticed that many of these arguments appear to begin with an unspoken assumption that God exists, and then proceed to justify that assumption. This, you might think, could pose just a tiny bit of a problem for an atheist. Fear not. For this argument to work, we first need to assume that God is non-existent. What fun. Well, I hope it's fun, 'cause I'm about to present it to you in all its glory. Here, Gentle Reader, we go…

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Enough Is Enough

He danced the cenotaph step,
Sold secrets to the Czechs.
(Or was it to the Ruskies?)
A traitor? Yes he must be.
Let’s show him on a red background;
All ominously wrapped around
With a picture of the Kremlin
And this hat we ‘shopped him in.
Did he sing? He did not!
He’s a Maoist, he’s a Trot!
He’s a traitor, he’s a cad,
Thinks the IDF did bad.
Did ‘e speak to any Jews?
They’re the wrong kinda Jews!
They got the wrong kinda views!
It’s plastered all over the news.
Enough is enough! Media framin’ blues.

Daz

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If today is your birthday

You will experience slight solar eclipses, but it will wear off. New socks, hygiene products and garish shirts will appear as if by magic.

Try not to punch your embarrassing racist cousin. Again.

Sign Name & Date Prognostication & Advice
E'redoooomedway
Apr 13–May 22

You will find a new place to dwell; down at the end of Lonely Street, at Heartbreak Hotel.

Do not, under any circumstances, read this sentence.

Threenabit
May 23–Jun 14

In the evening you will come to suspect that people are avoiding sitting near you.

Today is the day to try to break the world record for the most baked beans eaten in one minute.

Aniscay etyay Anasyay
Jun 15–Jul 10

You will be overcome by a strange desire to run naked down the High Street shouting "Free tomatoes! Two and six a pound!"

Today would be a good day to alphabetise your toenails.

Praise for The Fabulous Flatline’s Quotidian Horoscopic Prognostication

Better than anything that clod Leibniz could manage! —Isaac Newton

Unnyfay Ashray
Jul 11–Aug 25

After eating far too many cabbages, you will be searching for some parsley to cure your stomach ache, when the owner of the purloined veggies will spot you and give chase with murderous intent and with pie in mind. After various adventures involving watering cans and cats, you will finally make your escape and return home to camomile tea and an early bed.

Today would be a good day to ponder the inexplicable stardom of Piers Morgan.

Clickalot
Aug 26–Sept 07

You will wander lonely as a cloud that floats on high o'er vales and hills, when all at once you'll see a crowd, a host, of golden daffodils.

Today you should put the freshness back by doing the shake 'n' vac.

Le Parapluie
Sept 08–Oct 20

Absolutely nothing of note will happen.

Today, you should avoid accidentally performing a backward dive with 1.5 somersaults and a twist into a vat of boiling acid.

Praise for The Fabulous Flatline’s Quotidian Horoscopic Prognostication

By gum, it'll be a good un. —Mother Shipton

Far Queue
Oct 21–Nov 23

You will find a weird-looking plastic object under the sofa. This will lead, via some whacky adventures involving a toilet brush, three balls of blue wool, a battered Honda Cub and a pack of cards with the three of diamonds missing, to you scaling Nelson's column wearing a tutu and a string vest.

Today would be a good day to polish your vowels.

Interrobang
Nov 24–Nov 29

You will discover a Welsh hermit living in a hole under your garden shed.

Today is the day to organise your LP collection by height.

Eremybrettjay
Nov 30–Jan 15

A couth and scrutable but sadly peccable blogger who is sometimes flappable but hopefully always ane, will remind you of the existence of lost positives.

Today, bus timetables would be best left unread.

Praise for The Fabulous Flatline’s Quotidian Horoscopic Prognostication

More accurate than a less accurate thing. —Oprah Winfrey

Totherway
Jan 16–Feb 20

Your aging mother will swallow a fly. Under the impression that this is somehow a life-threatening event, various overworked and underfunded doctors will prescribe the ingestion of increasingly large animals in lieu of the actual medicine they might have administered, had the NHS two farthings to rub together. Eventually, after a horse is crammed down her gullet, she will die.

Today would be a good day to write an abusive letter to Jeremy Hunt.

Kenhamus Moronicus
Feb 21–Mar 17

Tonight you will dream strange dreams in which a trio of popes are chased around a deserted funfair by Gregory Peck and a blue goose.

Today would be a good day to try LSD.

Yusalu
Mar 18–Apr 12

Occasional showers, increasing to baths later in the afternoon, with possible plunge-pools overnight.

Today is a good day to sort your collection of interesting stones by date of birth.

This Prognostication™ was produced after spending literally minutes exposing my chakra to the quantumness of the universe, throwing reason out of the window, and generally making shit up. It may, for all I know, contain one or more predictions which will actually come to pass. Don't say I didn't warn you!

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If today is your birthday

Apart from an early-morning zombie attack, a rain of fire from the heavens at around lunch time, a meteorite strike at three in the afternoon and a gas-mains explosion at tea-time, all interspersed by brief but extremely violent street-riots, it will be a quiet day.

Make some time and space for yourself. Lock the rest of your family in the attic.

Sign Name & Date Prognostication & Advice
E'redoooomedway
Apr 13–May 22

You will be knocked out, kidnapped and placed aboard a ship, the intention being to send you into indentured servitude in the West Indies. Following a gunfight and a storm, you will be shipwrecked on a small tidal island, from where you will journey, in the company of a Jacobite rebel, across a deeply divided Scotland.

Today would be a good day to buy a camel.

Threenabit
May 23–Jun 14

An encounter with a tall, dark and handsome stranger will leave you emotionally scarred for life.

You need to learn to be more out-going. Try exchanging a brief "hello" with people you've never met.

Aniscay etyay Anasyay
Jun 15–Jul 10

You will lightly sprain your right shoulder while trying to reach an itch in the middle of your back.

Do not attempt to adjust the picture. For the next hour sit quietly and we will control all that you see and hear.

Praise for The Fabulous Flatline’s Quotidian Horoscopic Prognostication

The accuratist predictificationing I have ever red. —G. W. Bush

Unnyfay Ashray
Jul 11–Aug 25

A small quarrel over a game of Scrabble™ will escalate, leading to your eventual incarceration for mass murder.

Today is a good day to buy that antique fire-fighter's axe you've always thought would look nice hanging over the mantelpiece.

Clickalot
Aug 26–Sept 07

An offhand remark you make upon viewing a model of the Titanic will set in motion a chain of events which will culminate in you receiving the Nobel Peace Prize.

Today is not a good day to give up smoking, drinking, amphetamines or glue-sniffing.

Le Parapluie
Sept 08–Oct 20

Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird.

Today is the right day for you to wheel your wheelbarrow through streets broad and narrow, crying "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive-oh."

Praise for The Fabulous Flatline’s Quotidian Horoscopic Prognostication

It’s chewier than a ten-story block of flats. —Deepak Chopra

Far Queue
Oct 21–Nov 23

Today you will begin an epic journey. Starting from Cartagena in southern Spain, you will travel two thousand miles to Italy, crossing both the Pyrenees and the Alps along the way.

Make sure you've packed properly! You'll need your visas and other travel documents, sandwiches for the journey, and thirty-seven elephants.

Interrobang
Nov 24–Nov 29

You'll spend the afternoon wandering around the house in complete boredom. Nothing you consider doing will seem appealing. Eventually six o'clock will roll around, and you'll spend an invigorating half hour shouting at politicians on the television news. Then it's off to the pub for eight pints of extra-strong lager, followed by a dangerously hot curry from the local Indian take-away. You will have an uncomfortable night, sleeping fitfully and making several panicked rushes to the toilet, where you will vomit copiously.

Today you should take care not to chop your own head off with a chainsaw.

Eremybrettjay
Nov 30–Jan 15

A cold front moving from the north-east will be met by a warm front from the south-east. After a few hours of unsettled weather, victory will be achieved when two tepid-to-mild fronts perform a pincer movement, driving the frigid battalions from the field. A United Nations Overbearingly Humid force will arrive later in the day, to keep the peace.

Today you should prioritise hat-pins.

Praise for The Fabulous Flatline’s Quotidian Horoscopic Prognostication

F**k me sideways, it’s b****y brilliant! —Beatrix Potter

Totherway
Jan 16–Feb 20

At nine o'clock in the morning you will unsuspectingly click a link to a TV Tropes page. At nine o'clock in the evening your browser will finally freeze due to the huge number of tabs you have open, and you will realise that you have spent an entire day without eating or drinking or even reading to the end of a single page.

With Saturn just entering the house of the rising sun, now is a good time to sink into a morass of existential dread.

Kenhamus Moronicus
Feb 21–Mar 17

After a friend of a friend of a friend comes through with an unspecified employment opportunity which you'd never really expected to pan out, you will be surprised to find that you are now the U.S. Secretary of Defence.

Today, belladonna would be best left uneaten.

Yusalu
Mar 18–Apr 12

You don't want to know. Seriously. You don't. It turns my stomach just thinking about it.

I'd just take it easy if I were you. Have you got a short novel you could start? A novella? A pamphlet?

This Prognostication™ was produced after spending literally minutes exposing my chakra to the quantumness of the universe, throwing reason out of the window, and generally making shit up. It may, for all I know, contain one or more predictions which will actually come to pass. Don't say I didn't warn you!

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