Apart from an early-morning zombie attack, a rain of fire from the heavens at around lunch time, a meteorite strike at three in the afternoon and a gas-mains explosion at tea-time, all interspersed by brief but extremely violent street-riots, it will be a quiet day.
Make some time and space for yourself. Lock the rest of your family in the attic.
Sign |
Name & Date |
Prognostication & Advice |
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E'redoooomedway Apr 13–May 22 |
You will be knocked out, kidnapped and placed aboard a ship, the intention being to send you into indentured servitude in the West Indies. Following a gunfight and a storm, you will be shipwrecked on a small tidal island, from where you will journey, in the company of a Jacobite rebel, across a deeply divided Scotland.
Today would be a good day to buy a camel.
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Threenabit May 23–Jun 14 |
An encounter with a tall, dark and handsome stranger will leave you emotionally scarred for life.
You need to learn to be more out-going. Try exchanging a brief "hello" with people you've never met.
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Aniscay etyay Anasyay Jun 15–Jul 10 |
You will lightly sprain your right shoulder while trying to reach an itch in the middle of your back.
Do not attempt to adjust the picture. For the next hour sit quietly and we will control all that you see and hear.
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Praise for The Fabulous Flatline’s Quotidian Horoscopic Prognostication
The accuratist predictificationing I have ever red. —G. W. Bush
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Unnyfay Ashray Jul 11–Aug 25 |
A small quarrel over a game of Scrabble™ will escalate, leading to your eventual incarceration for mass murder.
Today is a good day to buy that antique fire-fighter's axe you've always thought would look nice hanging over the mantelpiece.
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Clickalot Aug 26–Sept 07 |
An offhand remark you make upon viewing a model of the Titanic will set in motion a chain of events which will culminate in you receiving the Nobel Peace Prize.
Today is not a good day to give up smoking, drinking, amphetamines or glue-sniffing.
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Le Parapluie Sept 08–Oct 20 |
Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
Today is the right day for you to wheel your wheelbarrow through streets broad and narrow, crying "Cockles and mussels, alive, alive-oh."
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Praise for The Fabulous Flatline’s Quotidian Horoscopic Prognostication
It’s chewier than a ten-story block of flats. —Deepak Chopra
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Far Queue Oct 21–Nov 23 |
Today you will begin an epic journey. Starting from Cartagena in southern Spain, you will travel two thousand miles to Italy, crossing both the Pyrenees and the Alps along the way.
Make sure you've packed properly! You'll need your visas and other travel documents, sandwiches for the journey, and thirty-seven elephants.
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Interrobang Nov 24–Nov 29 |
You'll spend the afternoon wandering around the house in complete boredom. Nothing you consider doing will seem appealing. Eventually six o'clock will roll around, and you'll spend an invigorating half hour shouting at politicians on the television news. Then it's off to the pub for eight pints of extra-strong lager, followed by a dangerously hot curry from the local Indian take-away. You will have an uncomfortable night, sleeping fitfully and making several panicked rushes to the toilet, where you will vomit copiously.
Today you should take care not to chop your own head off with a chainsaw.
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Eremybrettjay Nov 30–Jan 15 |
A cold front moving from the north-east will be met by a warm front from the south-east. After a few hours of unsettled weather, victory will be achieved when two tepid-to-mild fronts perform a pincer movement, driving the frigid battalions from the field. A United Nations Overbearingly Humid force will arrive later in the day, to keep the peace.
Today you should prioritise hat-pins.
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Praise for The Fabulous Flatline’s Quotidian Horoscopic Prognostication
F**k me sideways, it’s b****y brilliant! —Beatrix Potter
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Totherway Jan 16–Feb 20 |
At nine o'clock in the morning you will unsuspectingly click a link to a TV Tropes page. At nine o'clock in the evening your browser will finally freeze due to the huge number of tabs you have open, and you will realise that you have spent an entire day without eating or drinking or even reading to the end of a single page.
With Saturn just entering the house of the rising sun, now is a good time to sink into a morass of existential dread.
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Kenhamus Moronicus Feb 21–Mar 17 |
After a friend of a friend of a friend comes through with an unspecified employment opportunity which you'd never really expected to pan out, you will be surprised to find that you are now the U.S. Secretary of Defence.
Today, belladonna would be best left uneaten.
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Yusalu Mar 18–Apr 12 |
You don't want to know. Seriously. You don't. It turns my stomach just thinking about it.
I'd just take it easy if I were you. Have you got a short novel you could start? A novella? A pamphlet?
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This Prognostication™ was produced after spending literally minutes exposing my chakra to the quantumness of the universe, throwing reason out of the window, and generally making shit up. It may, for all I know, contain one or more predictions which will actually come to pass. Don't say I didn't warn you!
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