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E'redoooomedway Apr 13–May 22 |
You will find a new place to dwell; down at the end of Lonely Street, at Heartbreak Hotel.
Do not, under any circumstances, read this sentence.
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Threenabit May 23–Jun 14 |
In the evening you will come to suspect that people are avoiding sitting near you.
Today is the day to try to break the world record for the most baked beans eaten in one minute.
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Aniscay etyay Anasyay Jun 15–Jul 10 |
You will be overcome by a strange desire to run naked down the High Street shouting "Free tomatoes! Two and six a pound!"
Today would be a good day to alphabetise your toenails.
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Praise for The Fabulous Flatline’s Quotidian Horoscopic Prognostication
Better than anything that clod Leibniz could manage! —Isaac Newton
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Unnyfay Ashray Jul 11–Aug 25 |
After eating far too many cabbages, you will be searching for some parsley to cure your stomach ache, when the owner of the purloined veggies will spot you and give chase with murderous intent and with pie in mind. After various adventures involving watering cans and cats, you will finally make your escape and return home to camomile tea and an early bed.
Today would be a good day to ponder the inexplicable stardom of Piers Morgan.
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Clickalot Aug 26–Sept 07 |
You will wander lonely as a cloud that floats on high o'er vales and hills, when all at once you'll see a crowd, a host, of golden daffodils.
Today you should put the freshness back by doing the shake 'n' vac.
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Le Parapluie Sept 08–Oct 20 |
Absolutely nothing of note will happen.
Today, you should avoid accidentally performing a backward dive with 1.5 somersaults and a twist into a vat of boiling acid.
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Praise for The Fabulous Flatline’s Quotidian Horoscopic Prognostication
By gum, it'll be a good un. —Mother Shipton
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Far Queue Oct 21–Nov 23 |
You will find a weird-looking plastic object under the sofa. This will lead, via some whacky adventures involving a toilet brush, three balls of blue wool, a battered Honda Cub and a pack of cards with the three of diamonds missing, to you scaling Nelson's column wearing a tutu and a string vest.
Today would be a good day to polish your vowels.
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Interrobang Nov 24–Nov 29 |
You will discover a Welsh hermit living in a hole under your garden shed.
Today is the day to organise your LP collection by height.
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Eremybrettjay Nov 30–Jan 15 |
A couth and scrutable but sadly peccable blogger who is sometimes flappable but hopefully always ane, will remind you of the existence of lost positives.
Today, bus timetables would be best left unread.
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Praise for The Fabulous Flatline’s Quotidian Horoscopic Prognostication
More accurate than a less accurate thing. —Oprah Winfrey
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Totherway Jan 16–Feb 20 |
Your aging mother will swallow a fly. Under the impression that this is somehow a life-threatening event, various overworked and underfunded doctors will prescribe the ingestion of increasingly large animals in lieu of the actual medicine they might have administered, had the NHS two farthings to rub together. Eventually, after a horse is crammed down her gullet, she will die.
Today would be a good day to write an abusive letter to Jeremy Hunt.
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Kenhamus Moronicus Feb 21–Mar 17 |
Tonight you will dream strange dreams in which a trio of popes are chased around a deserted funfair by Gregory Peck and a blue goose.
Today would be a good day to try LSD.
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Yusalu Mar 18–Apr 12 |
Occasional showers, increasing to baths later in the afternoon, with possible plunge-pools overnight.
Today is a good day to sort your collection of interesting stones by date of birth.
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